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Superman VS Son Goku Or Bullshit Science VS Magic
I recently bumped into a thread from the 4chan archive, where one of those great big important debates take place and are stored in the safest internet vaults, in order to baffle future anthropologists that try to make sense out of the mess that is the 21st century.
“21st century’s man seemed to be obsessed with a number of styles of pornography, mostly animated, leading us to believe that contact with a two-dimensional plane of existence had somehow been established.â€
In this mess of memes, self pics and petabytes worth of facebook status updates, they will also find some of the greatest intellectual debates of our times, such as:
Along with:
Among other things. In our joint attempts to baffle those filthy super-advanced monkeys that will look upon our times as a continuation of the Dark Ages, I will also add my own thoughts on this dilemma, as objectively and in as a professional fashion as I can muster.
Let’s face it though: Monkey boy is screwed.
For the sake of fairness, let us assume both contestants at the peak of their power and that neither of them has access (or knowledge of) the other’s weaknesses. Why? Because if Superman grabbed Goku’s tail seconds after being teleported into a red-sunned solar system, they’d both die and this battle would suck ass.
When it comes to Superman, it is very hard to pin down the exact extent of his powers and abilities. Despite decades’ worth of character development and adventures, Superman’s powers remain undefined and range from God-like to Strongman, depending on the writer.
Lack of power definition heretofore referred as “Moore’s Inconstantâ€
Superman has a number of ‘versions’ that vary wildly in power. These versions cover elseworlds, Superman’s canonical run, as well as some story spinoffs
Like JLA One Million, where Superman is made out of gold, has every superpower ever and a Green Lantern Ring because fuck you, that’s why.
For convenience’s sake, let’s say the Superman that is to fight Son Goku is the superman version from the 60’s. Why? Because like the Goku in this hypothetical battle, his powers are bullshittingly strong and his power level ill-defined at best. Here’s a list of his powers, shamelessly pasted from Wikipedia.
- Unlimited super strength
- Unlimited stamina and endurance
- Super speed (fast enough to travel through time under his own power)
- Extreme invulnerability (except to the weaknesses outlined in the "Weaknesses" section below)
- Extreme longevity (in some stories)
- Enhanced mental processes, including an eidetic memory and genius level intellect
- Super vision, consisting of:
- X-ray vision
- Heat vision
- Telescopic vision
- Microscopic vision
- Super-hearing
- Other enhanced physical senses (smell, touch, taste)
- Ability to perceive the entire electromagnetic spectrum and various other forms of energy
- Flight (including across interstellar distances)
- Precise muscle control and vocal control
- Super-breath (including freeze breath)
- Super-ventriloquism
- Super-hypnosis
The powers outlined in bold are powers that will play a major role in his battle with Son Goku. The ones not in bold are a bunch of stuff that writers in the 60’s pulled out of their asses when they found themselves naked behind their typewriters once they had crashed after a 48-hour acid trip.
Yeah man, and Lex Luthor has a gun that turns you into jigsaw puzzle. He got it from that green guy that has lightbulbs on his head…
With Superman out of the way let’s move to our other alien strongman: Son Goku. Goku is another character suffering from Moore’s Inconstant. His powers vary wildly during the entire course of the show and it’s never quite explained whether he can breathe in space or not or how far his teleportation works, or even the exact nature of a Power Level.
We don’t know what they are or even what they amount to, but apparently we’ve made graphs out of them.
Once again, for the sake of convenience, we will pick the most powerful version of Son Goku for the fight. And as much as I hate to even mention its goddamn name, I have to use the version of Goku in the final episodes of Dragonball GT.
You know, the DBZ spinoff where the writers stopped giving a shit since the pilot?
I’m talking about the Super Humanoid Monkey Saiyan Oozaru form, or in short, SSJ4.
Known among Dragonball fans as the ‘unnecessarily loud excuse form’
I was unfortunately unable to find some any useful, cohesive information from articles across the interwebs (since nobody gave a shit about GT). So I’m going to list Goku’s SSJ4 abilities according to my knowledge of the series (i.e. after having watched every episode like a good little fanboy):
Seemingly unlimited teleportation capability (seemingly, because the writers obviously couldn’t agree upon its limitations)
· A power level that’s well into the millions (we get no exact figure but we can safely assume that it’s on par to 60’s Superman’s at this point. Power levels are also somehow supposed to cover a creature’s top speed, so let’s say he’s got superspeed too)
· Energy Sense (On par with superman’s ability to see energy)
· Telepathy (a bullshit power that Goku must have pulled out of his ass, because he just started using it without provocation in GT)
· Mind reading (perfect for conversing in airless environments in combination with telepathy)
· Flight
So apparently both SSJ4 Goku and 60’s Superman are on the same level. Now all that’s left to do is set them up with a battleground. It obviously has to be a place where both can use their powers to their full extent, without the danger on inflicting harm on civilians. Let’s say it’s on a parallel universe inside an uninhabited planet with a breathable atmosphere.
Let’s also say it’s full of rocks, because what’s an epic fight without any collateral damage?
Superman thinks Goku is an invader from another dimension and Goku thinks 60’s Superman ate the last slice of pizza or something (he doesn’t need all that much provocation, really).
In true Superman fashion, the boy in blue will punch Goku in the face and hope this knocks him out. In true Goku fashion, monkey boy will stand up on trembling feet and pretend this was enough to take him down for two episodes.
Of course when they both start busting their powers to their full extent, is where the problem arises. Goku can punch the shit out of Superman all he likes, but he can’t actually harm the man of steel. Superman can shoot lasers and punch Goku, who can take more punishment than a BDSM sexbot, but he’s not invulnerable. Unless drastic measures are taken, this might well turn into a war of attrition.
You will punch me a hundred times, and I will punch you once, and in the end it will be you who tire of this battle.
So let’s say something drastic happens. Like for example, Goku and Superman punch each other into the planet’s core. 60’s superman is vulnerable to energy but so is Goku. Their battle has not yet tired either of them so we can get some cool visuals and they skid across the molten core, until we get DragonBall’s signature energy tug-of-war which ends up somehow blowing up the planet. Superman loses to Goku’s Kamehameha
Because it can power cities and weld cracks on dams, but doesn’t hold a candle to a gigantic white energy wave that pushes back suns.
and both end up getting forcefully ejected from the exploded planet. Superman is left open to attack and Goku takes the shot. Round one goes to Goku.
We can safely assume that at this point, both of them take off the kid gloves and punch and blast the shit out of each other across the lifeless solar system that has become their battle ground.
Stripping each other down to their underwear about three planets in.
What’s also obvious is that Superman isn’t used to fighting dirty. Goku on the other hand, is. He’s going to try and blind Superman, teleport behind him and shoot him in the back, punch him in the dick and try to break his arms. Superman won’t do that, choosing instead to land Goku blows on the head and above the waist. Had we not factored in Superman’s invulnerability, he would have lost this battle a hundred times over.
Facing possible defeat but with Goku having ran himself ragged, Superman opts for the next viable choice:
Chugging meteors at the motherfucker.
Goku beats him on his ranged attack choice and he can’t keep on fighting the monkey man who keeps punching him in the dick for long. Meteor chugging will give him both an opportunity to fight back and a chance to approach Goku and move closer for an attack. Goku can teleport out of the way, but he can only do it once at a time and he won’t teleport a couple light years away just to make sure, because that won’t help, since Superman will know he isn’t there and that he’s wasting his breath.
The man from Krypton closes in on the Saiyan, an epic punch is landed and he hurtles away, across the star ways with Superman following close behind.
Moore’s Inconstant at work, as an indirect representation of the power behind this punch.
Superman wins the second round of this battle, bringing them both to a tie. Time for the sudden death round. Since both characters are unaware of each other’s weaknesses and we can’t quite measure their power, a certain environmental hazard needs to be added. Something that could harm them. Hmmm…
That’s a quasar that’s powered by a black hole with a mass equal to two billion times that of our sun. If you think I’m pulling this out of my ass or referencing All-Star superman, then you haven’t checked the linked article yet.
The gravitational pull from this star makes it impossible for both Goku and Superman to escape, since in the heat of their punch-out they failed to notice the distortion of time and space caused by this monstrosity. It is painfully obvious that this battle needs to be resolved before they are both crushed by gravity. As an added bonus, the distortion in time caused by the black hole (coupled with some bullshit science for good measure) which creates a rift in the multiverse or something, allowing other franchises to enter the fray and also punch out before getting swallowed up in the quasar.
Because in your imagination, nobody can sue you for copyright infringement.
At this point, both contestants have beaten the crap out of each other and are facing certain death. There’s extreme gravity, temporal distortions and impossible heat that could kill both of them. Goku can teleport out of harm’s way, but he’s not exactly known from backing down from suicidal odds and Superman won’t fly back in time and let his opponent die like a bitch, because he’s a boy scout.
So how is this battle resolved? Do they both realize this is pointless and that nobody’s going to walk alive out of this? Well if I was paid to write this, then they would, because resolving this would cause a significant amount of butthurt to fanboys, since they would both die or the quasar would turn out to be a wizard from a parallel dimension and they’d work together to send him back to where he came from and/or blow him to bits.
But since I’m not planning on pussying out, here’s my version of the resolution:
Superman sacrifices himself in order to save Goku, giving up the fight. Why?
Could it be because this is absolutely bloody pointless?
Because Superman always puts everyone’s life (including that of his enemies) before his own. Because he can risk getting swallowed up by the quasar and hope against hope that he might get away, when Goku cannot. Remember, he is not aware of the existence of Dragonballs, therefore can’t take any risks with killing his opponent. And seeing how they both ended up getting caught in this quasar out of their own stupidity, he opts to give his opponent a fighting chance to survive.
As much as it hurts me to type this, Superman loses the fight, because he can’t stand watching Goku get killed over their little punch out.
So Goku flies away and returns to his universe, ultimately victorious. He lacked invulnerability and would have lost to 60’s Superman given time, but not under these ridiculous circumstances. He’s probably going to wish him back to life with the Dragonballs
But it would probably take a while, since he’d have to bring back Krillin first, who had recently perished from a tetanus infection.
but then again, maybe not.
What was the point to this article, you’ll ask? To be honest, there wasn’t really a point. I’ve just been stumbling on those hypothetical Character Vs Character threads all over the internet these days and I got jealous and decided to add my own two cents. This is more of a fanboy resolution which of course will never officially be given, but then again I had a lot of fun writing this article and looking into possible hazards for these two.
I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did.
Addendum:
Hulk would beat the shit out of both of them, since his powers are the definition of Moore’s Incostant, right before getting atomized by Dr. Manhattan, who is essentially God.
I am the way and the light, the Alpha and Omega, the Nuclear Sultan at the center of Existence.
Thus cleverly allowing me to segway into next week's review...