New: April 2012

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What I Think About Stuff-godzilla Vs Cthulhu

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Speculative piece brought to you by Paul Hanley.

Godzilla VS Cthulhu Or Invincible Nuclear Dinosaur VS Sleeping Dead God

Making the Superman VS Son Goku article was a huge mistake. Its existence and its speculative possibilities (as well as the hours of dick-waving among me and my friends) have burned a hole inside my brain the size of a walnut, that keeps asking me â€˜Hey man, know what else would be awesome?

Writing another long-ass article about two unrelated super powerful beings punching the fuck out of each other!â€

â€œAnd then you can watch Jason X sober, man! Get, like, the full experience, know what I mean?â€

Thatâ€™s not to say Iâ€™m ungrateful for it. Iâ€™ve had a wonderful time checking the interwebs and looking into possible monster and character crossovers and Iâ€™ve had a lot of fun just planning their battle out.

A lot of them donâ€™t make sense, unless certain sets of rules have been set up. The rules are as follows:

RULE ONE: Every character must be at the peak of their performance/power level/whatever.

RULE TWO: No contestant must be aware of the otherâ€™s weaknesses/handicaps

RULE THREE: The setup must allow for a full-on, no-holds barred battle, without any restraint exhibited by either of the contestants

RULE FOUR: Each battle is three rounds long. Two regular punch-out ones and one elimination round.

RULE FOUR-B: In the case of an elimination round, a hazardous third party/danger/opponent must make an appearance, so as to force an outcome.

RULE FIVE: There must always be an outcome, no matter the subsequent butthurt.

With that in mind, I looked for the very next pairing and would you look at that: Google

Wise, almighty Google

Provided me with an answer. A pairing of creatures that were both known for their might, their indestructibility and their very nature as symbols of mass destruction. The fact that they are each the East and Westâ€™s greatest avatars of destruction makes the pairing all the sweeter.

In the Red Corner, hailing from the Pacific Ocean, a product of manâ€™s nuclear folly, GODZILLA, KING OF THE MONSTERS!

Cue Kanye Westâ€™s â€œPowerâ€ remix (the one that had the best part in it, without all the unnecessary crap) starts booming through the speakers

Aaaand in the Blue Corner, brainchild of Providenceâ€™s most prominent son, the prophet of the nameless forces that dictate the universe, until recently presumed dead, CTHULHU, THE DREAMING GOD!

DJ forgets to cue the music, as he is busy eating his own eyeballs at the sight of Cthulhu entering the stadium.

Godzillaâ€™s many powers remain undefined to this day, so Iâ€™m just going to list the ones that will play a major role in this battle

That is, all of them, except for his super domestic abuse powers.

Â· Atomic Breath (if you need me to explain this, then itâ€™s obvious youâ€™ve only seen the American shitty version.)

Â· Nuclear Pulse: What this is, is essentially a fancy way of saying that Godzilla can superheat/irradiate his body to shake off grappling assailants. Perfect for use againt tentacle adversaries

Â· Injury resistance and healing: Fancier way of saying Godzillaâ€™s body is thick as shit and that he heals real fast. Not Goku with a sensu bean fast, though. More like Wolverine when the writers need to drag another issue out.

Â· Immense Strength: Dude needs to be strong if heâ€™s planning to punch out the Dreaming God. And Godzillaâ€™s about as strong as they come.

Cthulhuâ€™s powers on the other handâ€¦well, theyâ€™re the definition of Mooreâ€™s Incostant. In fact, they are so poorly defined, they stop being Mooreâ€™s inconstant and just turn into a paradoxical presentation of Cthulhuâ€™s existence. Because, letâ€™s face it: the guy may be ranking somewhere in the C-List as far Outer Gods go

You would too, if you were a god who worships a god that is essentially the absolute center of the Universe.

But heâ€™s still pretty goddamn limited. Matter of fact, there is absolutely no clear reason why Cthulhu hasnâ€™t destroyed us already, or why he chickened out that one time and just backed down after that fisherman took a propeller to his face.

What the fuck, dude! I thought you guys were gonna be cool! You know what? Fuck alla you assholes, Iâ€™m goinâ€™ home!

What Iâ€™m trying to say is that Cthulhuâ€™s powers can be summed up as:

Â· Heâ€™s a fucking god: Ergo, he can do whatever the hell he wants

Â· Heâ€™s invulnerable: Therefore, thereâ€™s nothing that can inflict any lasting harm on him.

Â· Fuck You, Earth Monkeys: Just that. Fuck you.

So why should these two bastards be pitted together? Hell, how can they even be pitted together and on what grounds can we reach some agreement on the result of their battle? Well, thatâ€™s simple:

We canâ€™t. The only sure way to declare a winner is by watching which of the behemoths backs down first.

So letâ€™s get down to business and see which one of those huge motherfuckers gets to run home to mommy first.

*Gong* *heavy breathing* Jajajajajaja-jajajajaja-junjunjunjujujujunjun! *Test your might* Junjunjunjujujujujun!

A marine observer weeps as he scoops handfuls of his assistantâ€™s brain and eats through her skull. He has seen the Dead God, rising from his house on Râ€™lyeh, exploding outward into the ocean, awakened by the alien glow of strange constellations in the night sky.

All across the world, astronomers, scientists, artists and psychics scream and cry and squirm in their beds, praying to a God that can no longer save them. For Cthulhu has risen and he comes to claim what is his.

Godzilla stops mid-rampage across Tokyo, as he senses the Dreaming God, noticing his colossal body as it crosses the Pacific Ocean, heading straight for the island of Nippon. He sets down the top half of the skyscraper he was about to fling into Shinjuku and roars, thinking of this creatureâ€™s audacity to enter his turf without permission.

Like a column of flesh, tentacles writhing across his unseen mouth, Cthulhu rises from the ocean. The colossi look into each otherâ€™s eyes. The dead god thinks he has the rite of passage. The King of the Monsters does not intent to acknowledge his supposed sovereignity.

Cthulhu barely realizes it, as Godzilla lunges at him and sinks his teeth in his throat.

Git off mah property, asshole!

Cthulhu tries to fight back, but Godzillaâ€™s fought too many battles in his lifetime to know he doesnâ€™t have to put up with any kaijuu shit. This planet is his turf and any motherfucker who dares enter his domain needs to get slapped into submission.

Cthulhu on the other handâ€¦well, history has shown us heâ€™s not big on confrontation. Heâ€™s a pansy whoâ€™s used to being worshipped and canâ€™t fight for shit.

Not to mention that his general lack of exercise hasnâ€™t helped his figure any.

Godzilla rips off a good chunk of Cthulhuâ€™s throat, spilling the godâ€™s blood and then pins him down, clawing at his exposed chest and belly. Cthulhu chooses to change his form, seeking one that will allow him to slip away from his aggressorâ€™s clinch.

Turning his flesh into liquid, he slips from Godzillaâ€™s grip, only to find that the King of the Monsters has seen worse and chooses to charge him. Cthulhu, of course, puts them up and they both grapple, tumbling inside the city of Tokyo, tearing down buildings.

The dead god has barely had time to register the situation, as the giant reptile slashes at his face and roars his horrible roar. The god shoves him off,

Smashing that godawful tower in the process

And tries to turn the battle to his favor, pinning down Godzilla. He increases his mass tenfold and holds his enemy down, thinking that he finally has his chance to finish him off.

But then Godzilla releases his radiation field and Cthulhu finds his flesh melting at the mere touch of this creature.

Creating a cool explosion that claims millions of innocent lives in the process.

Cthulhu has found himself losing this first round. His enemy has made the most out of his element of surprise and heâ€™s given the Dreaming God a run for his money. Cthulhu tries to change his form, to somehow adapt to his enemy, but Godzilla hasnâ€™t shown off every trick in his book yet.

Round One goes to Godzilla.

Where Cthulhu takes it up a notch and Godzilla starts running out of tricks, fast.

Cthulhu rises from the ashes. Heâ€™s been beaten up but he can take this. After all, his time has come.

This world will be his, as foretold in ancient prophecies. He has fought long and hard for millions of years for this rock and wonâ€™t be denied his prize by some overgrown lizard!

The King of Monsters weighs his opponent warily. The creature has proved to be a tough costumer, tougher than any of his other opponents. He steps closer, baring his teeth, when suddenly he finds himself constricted. His limbs bend in strange ways and he is held in place by some invisible force. His enemy merely waves his arms into strange patterns, shaping the space around Godzilla so as to restrict his movements.

Godzilla finds out soon enough that his is helpless, as he sees his enemy split himself into two, then four, then eight exact copies of himself, each circling Godzilla, moving in for what they think is a sure kill. But then again, they donâ€™t know Japanâ€™s favorite son, do they?

Godzilla pushes against the binds and pushes against Cthulhuâ€™s spell, freeing himself. He proceeds to grab one of his avatars and uses it as a makeshift mallet to fight off the others. Cthulhu tries to compensate for his lapse in concentration, but the creature fights ferociously and wonâ€™t give him an inch.

The spell fails, but Cthulhu still has numbers on his side. They claw and rip at Godzilla, who whacks them with his tail and rips off tentacles and arms. They pin him down and he pushes them off. They surround him and he just takes it. He takes it and pays them back ten times worse.

Heâ€™s kinda like Rocky, only ridiculously tall and doesnâ€™t suck as much.

Cthulhu realizes heâ€™s going to need to get himself an advantage soon. Sending his mind across time and space, he looks for something he can use against this uppity reptile. He looks long, looks hard and findsâ€¦

The most fabulous motherfucker of them all.

Abandoning his avatars, Cthulhu grabs Godzilla and bends space and time, sending them both to Monster Island, where the corpse of his greatest foe, King Ghidora, lays. Cthulhu wills it to life with a thought and controls it as a means to overcome Godzilla.

But letâ€™s face facts here: King Ghidora never once stood a chance against fucking Godzilla.

His heart is in the right place, though.

But then again, Ghidora never was the end-all be-all, was he? No sir, Ghidora was just a diversion, while Cthulhu looks for something he can use toâ€¦ahah!

With Ghidora getting the shit stomped out of him, Cthulhu returns to the fray and transports Godzilla into a base in Antarctica, a place where something he can use to destroy Godzilla is located. But he needs to make sure, which means itâ€™s time for us to blow our imaginary goddamn budget and use this as a chance to take them across the world!

Thereâ€™s Space Godzilla in New Yorkâ€¦

Desotoroyah in Bangokâ€¦

And Mecha Godzilla in a secret installation somewhere in Russia.

Godzilla finds himself nearing collapse. The world is in ruins, a trail of destruction left in the behemothâ€™s wake and the King Of Monsters finds himself winded and wounded. The Dreaming God has used the situation to his full advantage.

Round Two goes to Cthulhu.

Elimination or bust.

The Earth Monkeys look up from the ruins of their homes and cities and see that the end is nigh: beasts of the apocalypse duke it out across the world and will very soon destroy every single living being (if not the entire planet) during their rampage.

A solution is proposed in a secret bunker. The remaining world leaders agree to it without sparing a thought. Humanityâ€™s greatest fictional weapon is trained on the creatures who are now smashing through the Urals through their battle.

Because the Death Star was wasted on those filthy Imperial bastards.

Godzilla fans will recognize Dimension Tide as the bullshitingest weapon in existence (overshadowing even the Gunblade and Dr. Strangeloveâ€™s Soviet Doomsday Device). Why is that?

Well itâ€™s mostly because Dimension tide is Able to fire a micro black hole using plasma energy;

equipped with a computer controlled targeting system with lockon capabilities

Seems legit.

This cannon, built by a 0.7 civilization according to the Kardashev scale, is able to generate perfectly contained wells of infinite gravity. And theyâ€™re going to use that to kill both Cthulhu and Godzilla.

So they aim for the Urals and let it rip, crashing Space and Time around them. Both combatants are suddenly crushed by the gravity and trapped inside a temporal relativistic effect. Once again, an environmental hazard is about to wipe them all out.

And why canâ€™t Cthulhu shrug it off? Well, mostly because Outer Gods have proven themselves not to be beyond the terrifying effects of a black holeâ€™s event horizon. Case in point: Azathothâ€™s Court.

This is your brain on event horizons.

The Outer Gods get trapped inside Azathothâ€™s event horizon and find themselves unable to escape, pretty much like light does with a black hole. And Cthulhu isnâ€™t an Outer God. Heâ€™s just a fancy little social worker in their service. Heâ€™s in as much trouble from this as Godzilla.

Godzilla canâ€™t escape this shit. Sure he can try, but it wonâ€™t pay off. And this battle needs a resolution. Whoâ€™s going to back down first? Wanna know who?

Nobody. Cthulhu isnâ€™t gonna pass up his chance to free himself and Godzilla wonâ€™t back down. Heâ€™s suicidal like that, see. So whatâ€™s gonna happen is this: Godzilla is going to breathe his atomic breath, every last iota of it, into Cthulhuâ€™s face, pushing him inside the black hole, even as they both get crushed.

NOOO FUUUCKKK YOUOUOU!

But letâ€™s not forget that Cthulhu can afford to get his body destroyed. Heâ€™s got plenty to go around. So what will he do?

Well, heâ€™s going to bend time around him and slip away of course, as the poor bastard Godzilla gets sucked in. Then heâ€™s going to destroy humanity and reign over this planet for long, dark millennia.

The final Round goes to Cthulhu.

Why? Well, because Cthulhu is a god with impossible powers, who can bend time and space at will. Granted, the black hole came close to annihilating him, but when all is said and done, Godzilla never could have made much of a difference against him.

He might be the mightiest kaijuu, but heâ€™s not a god.

Though I am absolutely certain the next series reboot is going to prove me wrong.

Addendum:

Wanna read about two impossible and ridiculous characters duke it off? Then mail me or post your suggestions in the comments section.

Also, check out my ebook, Stone Cold Countenance. Itâ€™s a story about cowboys, dames, voodoo and revenge and you can buy it for a dollar!

What I Think About Stuff-it's Bullshit And You Know It!

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PROTIP: If you donâ€™t get this painting, then youâ€™re not an asshole

ART! Or Itâ€™s Bullshit and you know it

DISCLAIMER:This is an article aiming to tear at horseshit that plague my country, the Internet and the sensibilities of idiots who try to seem intelligent by swimming along the river of shit that is the â€˜avant gardeâ€™. If you are offended by this then you are one of them and do not deserve my pity.

Way back when, in my Rogan Gosh review, I made a brief mention of my unbridled, venomous hatred toward â€˜artistsâ€™. Note the fucking quotes, theyâ€™re important.

I mentioned how Greece is chock full of bastards who grow goatees, wear Palestinian Indifanda scarves and read or say the weirdest shit, while making sure they are always surrounded by a group of cunts as blind and retardedly elitist as themselves, so that no one will ever tell them that their cucumber on a stone slab sculpture is a piece of shit and that it signifies fuck all.

Or anybody who might say, confront them on how they have been wasting their parentsâ€™ money on horse shit.

Athens, in particular, is plagued by the fruits of the works of such â€˜artistsâ€™. We live, in fact, in a city of artistic extremes. On the one hand, we are proud to sell the Acropolis as an architectural and religious marvel of global significance while on the other hand, we haveâ€¦

This piece of unbreakable shit in the middle of one of the most important commercial streets of the capital.

Make no mistake: I once thought that this was the epitome of coolness, suaveness and cultural understanding that we should all aspire too. Then again, I was 17 and hadnâ€™t gone back in time to punch myself in the dick yet.

Hereâ€™s a loose definition of Art, dear reader, as shamelessly ripped off Wikipedia:

Philosophers and others who have characterized art in terms of mimesis, expression, communication of emotion, or other values. During the Romantic period, art came to be seen as "a special faculty of the human mind to be classified with religion and science".^[2] Though art's definition is disputed and has changed over time, general descriptions mention an idea of human agency^[3] and creation through imaginative or technical skill.^[4]

Letâ€™s break this definition down, shall we?

Mimesis: term stemming from the greek word ÎœÎ¯Î¼Î·ÏƒÎ·, which means copying or reproducing an idea or trope presented in previous works of Art.

Expression and communication of emotion: Art needs to be able to present to the viewer/reader the artistsâ€™ point of view in the most eloquent and expedient way possible.

"A special faculty of the human mind to be classified with religion and science": Art is an extension of the spiritual and the intellectual and is, essentially, a blown-up version of the sensibilities of the time that spawned it.

tl;dr great art makes you shit bricks and understand what the artist was thinking of

Terrible art makes you think of the assholes that made it and death by burning.

I could go on and on about how much I hate â€˜artistsâ€™ and how they keep trying to one-up each other while making up bullshit explanations and references to increasingly obscure shit, thus contaminating the human collective with their crap. What Iâ€™m going to do instead, is show exactly what I mean in the space of minutes, thanks to the magic of YouTube!

So maybe this did not shock you enough. God knows I wasnâ€™t shocked, only perplexed. This scene is by far the most notorious one from the critically acclaimed low budget epilepsy-fest known as Tetsuo: The Iron Man, the lowest budget Japanese experimental horror film ever to make it on the silver screen.

AND THIS SCENE IS FUCKING MILD, MAN.

But you know what? This scene ALONE has spawned thousands of internet critics who like to paint themselves as all-knowing seers who can see the hidden meanings involved behind drill-fucking . And they themselves arenâ€™t so bad; after all, theyâ€™re just a bunch of fuckwads who try so hard to rise to the top that they end up getting crushed with everyone else against the bottom instead.

What is so bad is the millions of mouth-breathers who agree with them and support their ridiculous claims, tooth and nail.

Hipster: the artistic equivalent of a black plague carrier rat.

So instead of wasting your time with hate-speech on overthinking assholes, hereâ€™s a crash list of

SHIT MOVIES THAT ONLY SHIT PEOPLE LIKE THAT DESPERATELY WANT YOU TO LIKE THEM TOO

â€œPlease God, please make everybody think Iâ€™m smartâ€¦â€

ERASERHEAD:

Iâ€™ve said it before and Iâ€™ll say it again: David Lynch (or his progeny) should not direct shit without adult supervision. Actually, fuck that: they should not direct shit at all.

Mr. Lynchâ€™s EraserHead is a perfect example of shock-value art for its own sake. What probably started off as an attempt to make a horror film on parenting turned into an artsturbation marathon that has since launched a thousand â€˜criticsâ€™ and â€˜auteursâ€™. It has also helped to make the unnecessarily weird a mainstream thing, with millions of mouth-breathing â€˜artistsâ€™ constantly seeking to outdo each other.

Oh Iâ€™m sorry, am I being too hard on Mr. Lynch? Are you a butthurt little fanboy? Okay then you little subjective shit; letâ€™s look at a more mainstream work of his like, say, Dune:

Scene breakdown:

David Lynch has a great sense of styleand thatâ€™s probably why people love him. Everything in this scene looks awesomely put together. Howeverâ€¦

His pacing, infodumping and presentation are a jumbled fucking mess. Yes, the Dune books are a plain mess of fluff that requires extensive reading that is totally worth the goddamn effort

Except for this one. This one deliberately makes no goddamn sense.

But here, David Lynch goes like: â€œOh thatâ€™s quite alright, weâ€™ll just jam every bit of exposition into 9 minutes and pepper the entire movie with information the audience wonâ€™t want to find outâ€. Thatâ€™s the narrative equivalent of slipping on a banana peel and into a sewer, right fucking there.

In short, David Lynch became famous because his movies look good and his style sticks to your forebrain. EraserHead is all style, no taste and no goddamn sense for the sake of becoming famous and it is a titanic waste of time on your part.

EXISTENZ:

Existenz is a dumb name for a dumb movie that only cunts like the people who keep praising it on IMdB can enjoy. It tries to sell itself as a critique on the rapid advancement of videogame technology and the evils of online immersion and people losing touch with one another.

What we get instead is body horror porn, a dumbass movie-within-a-movie-within-a-game plot and a twist at the end that would make M. Night Shyamalan go

Dude, like, seriously?

I remember people I knew (who I considered intelligent human beings up to that point) praising the everloving fuck out of that movie and detailing the genius behind it. But you know what? No. Existenz isnâ€™t smart. Itâ€™s not witty. Itâ€™s not even fucking intelligible.

If Existenz was a person, it would be the annoying little pseudo-nerd at the front of the class. Heâ€™d wear glasses and play the part of the smart know-it-all flawlessly, but instead of words, his mouth would only eject babbling and feces at 60 miles an hour.

First off, let me go on record saying that I like Mr. Cronenbergâ€™s work enough to watch every Scanners movie. And thatâ€™s not a statement to be made lightly. But thisâ€¦

Okay, breakdown time:

Existenz is supposed to be a game and it is also supposed to work like a game well if this is a game, then no one will fucking buy it. By gaming standards, it is extremely linear, has little to no freedom of choice, character customization or plot development and feels more like youâ€™re being dragged through a story while on Skype with a friend, occasionally stopping to fondle each other.

Existenz tries to sell itself as a game within a game within a movie, in order to bring its point across instead, what we get is a jumbled mess with shitty performances and sub-par acting on everyoneâ€™s part and a tiny little moral at the end that might as well have been

Iâ€™m an old fuck who likes to cash in on vidyagames but doesnâ€™t know how the fuck they work. I also hate all those young people playing them online.

Last but not least, Cronenbergâ€™s body horror is seriously slipping on this no, I mean, seriously. Allow me to present my point via actual comparison:

The Fly, made in 1986. This is the movie that made me lose at least two lunches and a dinner.

Now compare that shit to:

The vagina-boob console complete with analog clitoris andâ€¦

The cock-phone that Jude Law desperately tries not to let it touch his face.

THE WHITE RIBBON

It is my personal belief that there is justice in the Universe and that it dictates that the sons of bitches who make movies like The White Ribbon as well as the faux-intellectual crowd that supports them will descend into Danteâ€™s Dis and there dwell entangled to each otherâ€™s flesh, forced to feed on each otherâ€™s farts for eternity.

Furthermore, I would like to state that I wish for the city of Cannes to be struck by firestorms and the ground be sown with salt, so that nothing grows again and any mention of its film festival be struck from the annals of history.

Thatâ€™s how fucking much I hate this movie. Why? Well mostly because itâ€™s a 180 minute artsturbation festival with wonderful photography where NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS.

They used stuntmen for this scene, on account of it being so goddamn fraught with excitement.

Itâ€™s a story of a German village at the beginning of the 20^th century, months before the beginning of the First World War. Is it a family drama on the collapse of the feudal system of Germany and the fall of its Empire, as presented by the radical changes of the status quo?

NOPE.

Is it a subtle reference to the class struggle between the old bourgeoisie and the farmers living under its yoke, brought about by the advent of communism?

NOPE.

Is it even a movie about oppressed kids doing fucked up shit to get to their asshole priest dad?

Then what the fuck is it about? Youâ€™ll ask. Itâ€™s about NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL. NOTHING HAPPENS. NOTHING IS RESOLVED, PRESENTED, PLAYED OUT. You just get to watch a bunch of backwards asshole Germans being assholes and backward for 180 minutes and then the movie ends and you want to punch the old lady who keeps asking you why you donâ€™t like it in the mouth.

The photography is pretty good though but that amounts to sweet fuck all, of course. After all, even a monkey could make Art, given enough time and feces.

AMERICAN BEAUTY

Like the White Ribbon, this movie stars a bunch of cunts being cunts doing sweet fuck all. I love how the movie goes to great lengths to show off its piece of shit â€˜artistâ€™ character and tries to sell the little teenage slut as someone who is borderline likeable.

Thank God Kevin Spacey is in it I know, right? The guy can sell a goddamn movie simply by being there. Hell, he even made Superman Returns look good. Well, he actually made Luthor look good. Well, he couldnâ€™t; not really, not with the shitty way he was written. Oh, what the hell?

All in all, American Beauty is the kind of movie that belongs to the DVD rental aisle thatâ€™s just next to the porn stand. Had Kevin Spacey not been in it, no one would have given a shit about it. Now, back to the point ofâ€¦

SUPERMAN RETURNS

This is the worst goddamn superhero movie ever and Iâ€™ve sat through Steel. Itâ€™s not just horribly written or performed, itâ€™s also the movie that wanted to one-up Christopher Reevesâ€™ iconic Superman and expand on the Universe and failed so bad that it fell into the Nega-Universe

Where even its miserable denizens, deprived of light and hope, also hated it with all their hearts.

Thereâ€™s a Greek saying that kept popping up in my mind the entire time I was watching that fucking trainwreck of a movie and that was â€œWhoâ€™s the kidâ€™s father, you slut?â€

The movie, instead of being about the Last Son of Kryptonâ€™s glorious return and his clash with the deadliest human mind was instead about Loisâ€™ hypno-rape baby, her stoic boyfriend who had to put up with her shit and Lex Luthor trying to get moar land and twirling his goddamn moustache at us.

Itâ€™s boring, itâ€™s idiotically directed and the premise is for cunts.

The airplane rescue scene was good though yep, 10 minutes of awesome, drowned out by the thunder of a million assholes farting in unison for 80 minutes.

I harbor a deep and lasting dislike for Mr. Aronofksyâ€™s work. I consider it trite, pretentious and that he deliberately goes out of his way to create grim, depressing sequences for the sake of manipulating his audience.

If you look closely into his movies in fact, you can even see the points where Mr Aronofksy deliberately manipulated them for the sake of creating certain emotional responses, or peppered them with occult or philosophical references in the interest of selling this movie to people who want to convince everyone that theyâ€™re smart.

Î is the classic example of a forced-smart movie. It is supposed to be about the dark side of mathematics, the impossible applications of Î , the life and horrors of its cloistered half-mad character and about the burden of true power in the form of the Word of God.

What we get instead is a jumbled mess about Jewish Gematria, intelligent computers killing themselves, an unlikable asshole protagonist, pretend economics and general shit-flinging that is built up for 60 minutes and resolved in 10.

The presentation is haunting, however monkeys and Art baby, monkeys and Art.

A CLOCKWORK ORANGE

The cunts among you reading this article will automatically assume I am doing this for trolling value. The intelligent ones among you will keep reading and pay notice to my own point of view and perhaps attempt to refute it without acting like butthurt children.

A Clockwork Orange is a movie loosely based off the balls-trippy but excellently written book by Anthony Brugess, who makes love to the English language in ways that most of us would wish we could even picture in our heads. Hereâ€™s his most famous book quote:

â€œOh it was gorgeousness and gorgeosity made flesh. The trombones crunched redgold under my bed, and behind my gulliver the trumpets three-wise silverflamed, and there by the door the timps rolling through my guts and out again crunched like candy thunder. Oh, it was wonder of wonders. And then, a bird of like rarest spun heavenmetal, or like silvery wine flowing in a spaceship, gravity all nonsense now, came the violin solo above all the other strings, and those strings were like a cage of silk round my bed. Then flute and oboe bored, like worms of like platinum, into the thick thick toffee gold and silver. I was in such bliss, my brothers.â€

Shut up and kiss me, you bastard.

The book is the story of Alex, a right old asshole and destructive force of nature, who is evil as fuck and tries to present himself as the poor little oppressed little boy and near convinces most of us, except the dumb shits who go â€˜heâ€™s not evil, the poor thing he just needs a hugâ€™

PROTIP: No. No he doesnâ€™t.

It was only natural that Stanley Kubrick would pick this ambiguous work of fiction to make into a movie and he does a great fucking job bringing it to the screen. Hereâ€™s the problem, however:

The book works because it is a book and we can only work with the subjective presentation of the horrible fucking bastard that is our narrator, who manages to fool us with his suaveness and intelligence.

The movie does not work into painting Alex as sympathetic, mostly because the unreliable narratorâ€™s ever y word is immediately contradicted by the objective representation of how much of a monster he is.

Also, the movie lacks a catharsis. I was pleased as punch to see Alex beaten down and torn apart by the people he plagued and I loved it when they took away his brain and turned him into a pansy. I like seeing evil people punished for their atrocities in fiction, mostly because in the real world such retribution cannot usually take place.

Alex is a monster and he deserves every bit of punishment he gets. In a movie that seeks to show us exactly how much of an asshole he was (and yes, there are people who think that Kubrick was trying to represent â€˜oppression of the elders to the younger generationâ€™. You are free to spit in their mouth), there is really no payoff. Yes, the book shows Alex coming out on top, but the movie neednâ€™t have.

Thereâ€™s a reason why people watch Hollywood movies more than, say, those of Cannes. Itâ€™s because Hollywood provides tropes and payoffs that show the clear victory of good over evil and light versus darkness. When Kubrick had the son of a bitch protagonist come out on top, he hurt his movie and also created a horde of asswipes who immediately assumed that this was because Alex was really an okay guy all along.

Psst, asshole, hereâ€™s a tip: Kubrick simply wanted to troll everyone by making you hate Alex even more. He didnâ€™t want you to think he was the good guy. He wanted you to get mad. In a way, he trolled you so goddamn well that it became your reality now.

The fact that you are dumber than a bag of bricks really didnâ€™t help toward getting that point across.

Addendum:

People think I hate every movie I watch. Thatâ€™s mostly because I love milking the hate-humor that these movies generate, while I keep good movies close to my heart and let their wonderful light nourish me.

So hereâ€™s a list of artsy movies that I treasure and cherish. Itâ€™s not the most original list on the Internet, but itâ€™s my list and I love it.

Der Untergang (AKA Downfall)

The story of the final days of the Third Reich and the best fucking Hitler on screen, complete with excellent direction. This movie has broken my heart every time Iâ€™ve watched it and you should fucking watch it too.

Die Welle

Serving to defend the ideal that not all German directors are a bunch of stuck-up cunts, Die Welle is a masterfully directed movie that seeks to make the German people come to face the dangers of another rise of fascism in their country. It succeeds so goddamn well that you feel like an asshole afterwards.

The Final days of Sophie Scholl

Okay, pinkie promise: last German movie dealing with fascism on the list. This oneâ€™s the most powerful thing Iâ€™ve seen and the trial scene alone is so fraught with emotion that I snuck into the theater just so I could watch it all over again

Mongol

The rise of Temujin, who was to be Genghis Khan, from an orphaned boy in the steppes, to absolute master of half the known world. This is not a movie thatâ€™s about Genghis being awesome and kicking ass, no sir. Itâ€™s a tale about a man who can stare down Batman and make him go home crying to Alfred. Itâ€™s a story about the triumph of will and dream over all.

I saw the Devil:

Thought not in itself an artsy film, this movie takes the good old crazy slasher torture porn trope and turns it on its fucking head so masterfully that you wish it would remain so from here to the end of days.

Zebraman:

I have a very hard time taking Japanese films seriously. With the exception of Battle Royale (GO WATCH IT NAO) their style and over-the top approach to everything doesnâ€™t work for me. There are exceptions, however, where over-the-topness and intentional parodying of these tropes makes for awesome movies. Zebraman is just this case: made by a Japanese director considered â€˜avant gardeâ€™ by his countryâ€™s standards, itâ€™s a movie about a superhero/power ranger brought to life via fiction embedding itself in reality.

Itâ€™s meta as hell and I love it.

`

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What I Think About Stuff-godzilla Vs Cthulhu

What I Think About Stuff-it's Bullshit And You Know It!

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